Sunday, April 06, 2008
Sports, "Hunt's Grunts"

What, me worry?

If you’re like me, you haven’t finished your taxes yet...

CREDIT: Scott Cunningham/NBAE via Getty Images
The Hawks’ Mike Bibby secures a victory over Toronto on Wednesday, April 2.
By Hunt Archbold

If you’re like me, you haven’t finished your taxes yet. But you’re also not stressed out about it. Or are you? I’m not. I’ve got a fab accountant, Kathye Warner, who in addition to being a motorcycle enthusiast, loves the Lord and the color purple (she wears some almost every day), and that’s okie-dokie super by me. And while my most recent Social Security statement was depressing (I’m sure for you as well), does it really matter, since Ted Turner says our world is heading to cannibalism sooner rather than later? Bottom line: I’m not going to stress out about Social Security or taxes, but I will file on time.

Some folks get so burdened by taxes, they simply don’t do them. Baseball’s Darryl Strawberry and tennis champ Steffi Graf both ran afoul of the tax man in 1995, while another German tennis great, Boris Becker, paid about 3 million Euros for back taxes and narrowly avoided jail a few years back. Governments will throw you in the clink—just ask former mayor Bill Campbell. If the feds want you, they’ll get you on tax evasion, as the legendary mob boss Al Capone learned. He was sent to the nation’s toughest prison, the Atlanta Penitentiary, in May 1932, but quickly took it over from the inside and was subsequently sent to Alcatraz.

Barry Bonds spent the past 15 years employed not too far from that famous San Francisco Bay island prison. And while the currently unemployed home-run king has not been arrested, charged or convicted of anything yet, there is speculation that it’ll be tax issues (specifically for giving unreported money to his then-mistress Kimberly Bell), and not alleged steroid use, that ultimately brings Bonds down. As Campbell learned, mistresses eventually talk. And as Pete Rose learned, unreported income can cost you your freedom.

Don’t stress out, folks. Pay those taxes and let the truth set you free. Release the affliction. Slay the albatross. Sucker-punch anxiety. Give trepidation a severe wedgie. Ring-and-run restlessness. And if all else fails, I thoroughly recommend a visit to Elliott Street Deli & Pub in the Castleberry Hill area. I was down there last week before a couple of games at Philips Arena and the owners, brothers Mike and Pete, run a character-filled eclectic/biker/general market neighborhood bar with delicious sandwiches and a vast selection of brews and booze.

This place is chill and worth the effort to find. After watching the Thrashers lose yet again—talk about an organization with no pressure; they finished the season with such a lackluster, abominable thud, they just became no fun to even care or criticize anymore—some friends and I went back to Elliott Street and found some crazy local photog group taking pictures of a burlesque girlie and a zoot suit swing daddy in the basement. I said this place takes it easy, right?

The next night at Philips was hardly relaxing for Atlanta Spirit owner Michael Gearon. From a clear vantage point directly across the court, I watched him squirm, cheer, leap, crack his neck, run his hands across his face and exhibit many more physical expressions of anguish during his Hawks’ stirring overtime comeback win over Toronto. Barring it being overturned by a Toronto protest involving Raptor T.J. Ford’s waved-off basket to end regulation, the win will stand as one of Atlanta’s most pivotal victories in nine seasons at Philips.

Surely, these have been days filled with nervous tension for the Atlanta Spirit. Ridiculed by many for its ineptitude both on and off the court, the group has known for weeks that the Thrashers weren’t going to bail them out this year. No, the pressure has squarely fallen on the Hawks, who in four decades have provided few periods of NBA credibility for this city to boast about. But credit must be given to Gearon & Co., as well as general manager Billy Knight, for the acquisition of point guard Mike Bibby. This organization desperately needed a leader like Bibby, who—while returning back down court after draining a game-tying, final-second three-ball that capped Atlanta’s electrifying 17-point comeback—emphatically high-fived Gearon, who had leaped a full two steps onto the court. It was very reminiscent of two decades prior when Ted Turner, from almost the exact courtside seating position, would celebrate on-court with the likes of Dominique Wilkins and Doc Rivers.

You could sense the stress rolling off of Gearon’s shoulders as he hugged his lovely wife Lauren after the final buzzer sounded. The victory over a playoff-bound Toronto team had further reduced his team’s magic number to a point where it would take a near-total collapse for them to miss the playoffs. Yes, the mighty Rivers-coached Celtics await Atlanta if we do make it in, and the NBA’s best team will present more than its share of problems. But for now, the league’s longest postseason drought is about to be extinguished, and one can almost hear the collective sigh of relief being exhaled within every office at the Atlanta Spirit.

Happy times … and I wonder if future cannibals will be able to write their meals off as business expenses? SP