Sunday, April 13, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"
Matters of the heart
Relationship advice
By Blane Bachelor
Q Hi Blane. I have a friend in a really crappy situation, and I’d like to give her some good advice, but I’m fresh out of ideas. So I need your perspective. My friend has been dating her boyfriend for almost three years, and he’s turned into a real jerk. He doesn’t physically cheat on her (that I know of), but he develops extremely personal relationships with other women (co-workers, friends, etc.). My friend recently found a text message in his phone that he sent to a co-worker stating, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” My friend was pissed off at this and confronted him. He actually admitted it was true, but that he loved her, too! My friend promptly moved herself and her kids out from his condo.
Now that she’s all settled into her new apartment, he’s calling and texting her, begging her to come back. My friend is actually considering canceling her new lease (which would cost her some major money) and going back to him! It’s a terrible decision for her, but also it sets an awful example for her 14-year-old daughter and 5-year-old son. I’ve known this guy for 10 years, and I know personally that he screws over all the women ladies he dates, including some of my other friends. But she’s not listening to me. What can I say to change her mind? —Help Me Help Her
A Not much, unfortunately. When someone decides to overlook her boyfriend’s flat-out admittance of love for another person, trying to talk some sense into her is about as fruitless as trying to, say, round up all the wearers of saggy pants in Atlanta and demand they hike them up.
Instead of outright bashing this louse (which she’ll probably react to by defending him), perhaps you can try a few other approaches. Ask her if this is the kind of person she’d recommend as a boyfriend for you. Or—even closer to her heart—for her adolescent daughter. What would a loving mother advise if her kid found a note from her new boyfriend professing his love for another classmate? (If your friend’s response is anything less than “dump him,” then she’s not only delusional, she’s needs a reality check about what it means to be a good parent.)
If these tactics don’t work, you have to remember that we’re all responsible for our own happiness. This is your friend’s life, not yours, and her blind—and willing—nosedive into a nerve-racking, second-guessing, soul-crushing existence with this douche bag is ultimately one that no one can change but her. Instead, focus on your response when he inevitably screws around on her, and try to resist the urge to say “I told you so.”
My girlfriend and I have been together for about two years. We share a home and plan to spend the rest of our lives together. She’s extremely close to her mother, which I admire. She talks to her mom about five times a day, which I think is strange. She brings her into almost every major decision—purchases, investments, business, home renovations, health—before she discusses them with me. I feel like she values her mom’s opinion more than mine. I’ve discussed this with her very lightly before, but she immediately gets defensive and I let it go. They own a condo together (as a second home/investment property), and her mom has access to some of my girlfriend’s savings accounts that even I can’t get into (which is fine that I can’t, but why can she?). My girlfriend is 41, and I’m 31. We’re adults here, so why won’t she act like one? We’re in this for the long haul, but I so desperately want to change this about her. Also, this isn’t about two females needing time together; I’m a woman, too. Got any advice for me? —Mommy Issues
Yep, but you might not like it. Unless you want the “long haul” to include consulting Mommy Dearest about who should handle your taxes, where you’ll be celebrating Thanksgiving this year and what you should name your firstborn, you’re going to have to lay down the law now about her mother’s meddling ways. This is no conversation to address “very lightly.” And continuing to “let it go” when your girlfriend puts up her shield is only going to result in your ripping the phone cord out of the wall the third time her mom calls before lunch because you’ve bottled up everything for too long.
What you’ve described sounds like an unhealthy parental attachment to me, but more relevant is that it’s eating away at you. Sad as it sounds, some people are OK with playing second fiddle to their partner’s parent, best friend, sibling or child; you’re not one of them. Which means you’ll have to sit your girlfriend down for a long, likely painful talk about how being in a committed relationship means putting your partner’s needs, opinions and input first—especially with the major decisions of your shared life. If she seems open to hearing your concerns, you have something to work with (though you’ll have to be patient as she extracts herself from the apron strings; she’s been tangled in them for 41 years, after all). But if she shrugs you off and rushes to call you-know-who, then I’d say it’s time to call curtains. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.