Sunday, April 20, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"
Judgment day
A sister despises her bro’s slutty girlfriend’s behavior, and former lovers consider reuniting
By Blane Bachelor
Q I have a problem, and I need some help figuring out how to handle it. My younger brother is dating this girl who has a total lack of taste in how to dress and act. She wears tons of makeup, short skirts and low-cut shirts with her boobs overflowing out of them. And she’s not the most polite person, cracking her gum all the time, smoking constantly and tending to drink a little too much and get loud and obnoxious. It drives my parents crazy. We’re a pretty close family, and we get together often for dinners and barbecues, so it’s not like we never see this girl or have to put up with her trashiness only so often. My brother brings her everywhere. She’s a really nice person, actually, but I’m wondering how to say something to my brother about his girlfriend toning it down a little. How is the best way to handle this? —Stressed-out sister
A By letting your parents be the ones to broach the subject with your brother, if they’re so bothered by the Britney wannabe. He’d have to have the IQ of a garden slug to not notice their discomfort over her slovenly ways in the first place, and he’s the one who needs to say something, not your parents. (Though the latter does provoke some pretty comical scenarios: “Can you pass the salt, dear, and please make sure your breasts don’t fall into the potato salad in the process?”)
If you’re feeling especially proactive—and you can stand the gum-cracking—you could truly be a saintly sis to your baby bro and take the poor girl shopping, making sure to steer her clear of skanky stores like 579 and any “Juniors” section. If you feel you’ve bonded by the end of your spree and she reaches for her ciggies, you could gently say that you don’t like to be around secondhand smoke—and even more gently—that neither do your parents, for that matter.
And I can’t resist adding that had you phrased your question “How would you handle this?” my answer would have been to pour myself a fat glass of vino, kick back and enjoy the entertainment at the next family gathering.
I’m really confused about something. A few weeks ago, I bumped into a guy I used to date a couple of years ago. We broke up because he wasn’t interested in settling down with just one woman, but there was no lack of chemistry between us and we had so much fun together. But this time around, he looked different—much worse, actually. He had gained weight—at least 20 pounds, I’d say—and it looked like he hadn’t shaved in days. (And it wasn’t sexy scruff, either; it was the straggly, messy kind.) He just looked like a total slob. Anyway, we ended up grabbing a bite to eat and having a really good time talking and catching up on our lives. I think I could have feelings for him again and I think he’s still interested, but I don’t know how to proceed. I don’t want to get into a relationship with someone who’s a complete slob and doesn’t care about taking care of himself. What should I do? —Hesitant to Rewind
You’re clearly someone who’s not cut out of the same vengeful cloth I am. The first thing I’d have done upon seeing a lover-who-burned-me-turned-piggy who would be to go hee, hee, hee all the way home.
First, some, um, food for thought: Who’s getting into a relationship already? You shared one meal, for chrissakes, so let up on the reins and ease into it, sister. That allows you to test the waters as you figure out where this thing—whether it winds up being a friendship, relationship or even a one-time reunion with a face from your past—is headed.
A good place to start is being honest about your reservations. Trust me, he knows he’s not hiding a 20-pound weight gain—and an appearance that’s more Shaggy than sexy. It doesn’t take a shrink to figure out that drastic changes in appearance are usually tied to something bigger in one’s life, and a few conversations with him will help you understand what those might be. Perhaps he’s depressed (maybe even by the breakup?), or maybe there’s been some other life trauma he’s experienced since you last saw him. Maybe he has no motivation to change. Or maybe he’s just been taking too many fashion and grooming cues from Michael Moore. Whatever the case, getting a feel for this kind of stuff will give you a much better idea of whether you want to stick around.
While you’re at it, you might want to discuss whether he’s still as commitment-phobic as he was in his pre-puffed-up days. (My guess is not so much.) So one final question for you: Why would you want to settle for someone who might consider you sloppy seconds? SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.