Sunday, May 18, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"
What’s taking so long?
Blane Bachelor addresses your relationship woes
By Blane Bachelor
Q I’ve been dating a great guy for about five months now. I really like him a lot—he’s funny, smart and caring. But, yes, there’s a problem. He hasn’t even kissed me yet. We hold hands and snuggle on the couch, and he gives me a peck on the cheek when he drops me off, but that’s it. My friends tell me I’m settling for much less than I deserve. I’m not sure, though. I haven’t connected with a guy emotionally like this in so long. We have such a great time together, and, as much as I’d like him to step up in the physicality department, I don’t want to lose him! Every time I’ve tried to bring this up, he just changes the conversation. I don’t think he’s gay or anything, but I’m getting more and more frustrated—and confused. Still, I don’t want to embarrass him by asking him what’s wrong. Can you help me? —Dying for a Kiss
I don’t know—that depends on whether you can have an honest, candid conversation with your fella about what’s going on—or, more appropriately, not going on—in the romance department.
This world is filled with plenty of women (and men, for that matter, too) who are plenty satisfied with a partnership that fills them up in some ways, but not others, if you catch my not-so-subtle drift. But you’re obviously not one of them, or else you wouldn’t have written to me in the first place. Since he’s obviously lacking in communication skills, you’re going to have to take a deep breath, take him by the hand (you mentioned you’ve already been to first base, so this shouldn’t be too scary for him) and take the lead with a candid conversation. Get over the fact that this will be uncomfortable for him—a moment or two of his embarrassment is little price to pay for your agony over the last four months. And if things work out, this will have been a critical step.
You’ve negated the most obvious possibility here—that he’s gay—but the “or anything” has a pretty wide spectrum of options. He could be impotent. Or a transsexual. Or ashamed of his appendage or deformed in some way that doesn’t show in clothes. Or, he’s simply uninterested in you physically and is too much of a chicken shit to say so. If he can’t say the words himself, ask him the above possibilities directly—it might be easier for him to say, “That’s it,” or nod or flash the thumbs-up sign.
Whatever you uncover, you’ll finally have some answers to help you figure out whether you want to stay in this situation (and spare your overheated and underused girlie bits from spontaneously combusting next time you’re snuggling on the couch).
One last thought: Five months is a long time to be with someone who hasn’t shown even the barest trace of sexual interest in you. Your friends have pointed out that you’re settling, but you’re “not quite sure” about that. Why? Why do you think you’re not entitled to one of those glorious, relationship Holy Grail connections that satisfies your head, your heart and your hot-and-bothered zones? I know you’ve got a lot on your mind right now, but those are questions you should be considering just as much as “Why hasn’t he kissed me yet?”
When my girlfriend is getting ready for any event, she takes so long to get out the door that we are always late. I don’t mind being a little late, but when people are waiting on us and we are late, it makes me very agitated. And then we are in a huge rush to get there, and I feel like I have to nag her to get anywhere on time and I hate that I am put in that position. So I end up being the time cop, and we are still late most of the time. When people are waiting on us, I feel like it’s disrespectful to make someone wait on me. Am I overreacting? And how can I get her to speed it up? —Hate Being Late
I think you might be overreacting a bit, but as a woman who grudgingly saw herself as the tardy party in the above scenario, I must admit my answer might show a trace of bias.
Yes, many of us are generally guilty of taking too long with outfit changes, styling every hair to its exact place and lipglossing for the zillionth time, to the chagrin of their foot-tapping, watch-checking boyfriends. (The only women I know who can get ready in less than 30 minutes are lesbians and my mother.)
In your case, gently explain to your gal that, while you love the end product of her primping, it really puts you in a bind when you arrive late all the time. Or tell her you’re expected a half-hour (or however long her routine usually takes) before you actually are. Or, when you’re meeting her friends, you be the one to lollygag to give her a taste of her own tardiness.
Finally, just for the record, you guys are just as guilty of a number of other annoying behaviors: farting, video-game addiction and—just for the record—taking way too long in the bathroom for something much less appealing than an extra coat of eye shadow. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.