Sunday, August 31, 2008
Quick, Sports, "Hunt's Grunts"

The name game

A Sunday Paper reader expressed his dissatisfaction with this column space on a number of levels...

By Hunt Archbold

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.”
—William Shakespeare, “Romeo and Juliet”

Named as the Atlanta Falcons’ starting quarterback for next Sunday’s game against visiting Detroit, Matt Ryan will become the NFL’s first rookie opening-day starter since Houston’s David Carr, who was unceremoniously sacked 76 times that initial season six years ago and is now a backup with his third team. Of course, 10 years ago, a rookie Peyton Manning took every regular-season snap for Indianapolis, and things have worked out rather nicely for him and the Colts. So a year from now, or even five or 10, what will come to mind when the name Matt Ryan is heard?

Recently, through a letter to the editor, a Sunday Paper reader expressed his dissatisfaction with this column space on a number of levels, even going so far as to inquire “that can’t be his real name, can it?” It most certainly is, and truth be told, the first name is William. But maneuvering through this column, or life itself for that matter, utilizing merely a first name is not an option the way it is for, say, Mrs. M. Louise Ciccone Ritchie.

The 50-year-old pop diva recently kicked off her world tour. During one song, “Get Stupid,” it’s reported that a picture of U.S. presidential candidate John McCain was flashed onscreen, alongside images of destruction, global warming, Adolf Hitler and Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe. Then, toward the end of the song, images of our other presidential candidate, Barack Obama, were paired alongside those of John Lennon, Al Gore and Mahatma Gandhi. Really, Madonna? A Hitler-McCain comparison? I guess you do like to “Express Yourself”—but we already knew that, what with your mock crucifixion a few miles from the Vatican awhile back.

But in the name of democracy, freedom of speech must be respected, even in a would-be sports column. If not, then how would we hear all those Falcons fans sporting No. 7 jerseys, all the while squawking (still) about racism? The fact is, those folks have a voice, and a choice as to how their names will be remembered. Not everyone is so fortunate, however. And by that I mean all those little babies born each day who are saddled, in the spirit of Dick Trickle, with truly unfortunate names.

Such as the Mississippi toddler who, two years ago, was named “ESPN.’’ Not sure who’s to blame more, the sports-obsessed father who suggested it or the closed-mouthed mother who allowed it. Former NBA player and TV analyst Jayson Williams, better known for beating an obvious murder rap a few years ago, made sure his kids would be known during roll call by the grammatically incorrect names Whizdom and Tryumph. He should serve time for those two acts alone.

Actors and musicians have forever changed their names for a variety of public relations reasons, but entertainers are also some of the most guilty when it comes to doling out odd names to their children. Nicholas Cage changed his surname, but do you think his son, Kal-El, will do the same with his first? John Cougar Mellencamp went back and forth with his names, but he made sure no one will forget his son, Spec Wildhorse. Jason Lee named his son Pilot Inspektor, while Jermaine Jackson knighted his boy Jermajesty.

And is there a rapper or hip-hop artist in the world who utilizes his or her real name? They’re very creative in what they call themselves, but also what they name their offspring, too, as exemplified by Lil’ Mo’s daughter, God’ss Love Stone. But the best (or worst) name given may have been rendered by Bankhead Highway’s own Clifford Joseph Harris Jr.—er, I mean T.I.—who calls his son Messiah Ya’majesty. Now, that’s a tough name to live up to. Then again, the antithesis of all this is former heavyweight champ George Foreman, who named his five sons George Jr., George III, George IV, George V, and George VI.

What’s in a name—especially when it’s Matthew Thomas Ryan or Michael Dwayne Vick? So far, the well-spoken and professionally mannered Ryan has said and done all the right things heading toward his debut next week with the league’s fourth highest-paying contract and endorsement deals with companies such as Nike and AirTran.

It wasn’t that long ago that Nike and AirTran were awarding those big bucks to Vick, who once possessed the league’s highest-paid contract. But still facing at least 11 more months in prison, the man who grew up with the nickname “Bullet” for his blinding speed has little room to run these days. As Shakespeare reminds us, maybe it matters less what someone is called, but who someone is.

Happy times … and does 8-8 sound like too much of a reach? SP