Sunday, November 16, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Moving on

Someone’s gotta do it

By Blane Bachelor

Q A few years back, I had a serious relationship with a young woman go sour. We were together about three years before I broke up with her. She didn’t take it well. It got ugly, and the crazy came out in her in a big way. I had to cut off all communications because of her actions. After a year, with her periodically calling my work, I finally responded (actually, she tricked me by calling from a number I didn’t recognize). I decided we could be friends (why not?). She was OK for a while, but got crazy again soon. It has been more than three years since we were together, but she still isn’t over it and I tried to basically cut off communication with her again.

I am married now and wish to just forget about everything, but the ex and I share several friends. She still won’t leave me alone, and having those common friends gives her a way to reach me no matter how hard I try to stay away from her. Do I have to just give up on my old friends? One of them is my best guy friend.— Frustrated

A It always amazes me to hear about spurned exes running around like bunny-boiling lunatics in the hopes of resurrecting a relationship or friendship. I mean, what kind of logic are they using? “Hmm, how can I get back into his life? I know! Calling him at work 62 times a day and grilling our friends for status updates! My constant presence will make him see how much he really misses me, and we’ll be reunited! It’s pure genius!”

First, when it comes to cutting off contact with your ex (let’s call her PsychoStalker), it’s time to go from “basically” to totally, i.e.: blocking her phone number and e-mail and hanging up on her if she manages to get hold of you. If that feels harsh, keep in mind that what she’s doing is borderline illegal. Which also means you can drop two powerful little words on her if she keeps up: restraining order. Look at it this way: She’s acting like an out-of-control child, and by putting her unacceptable behavior in terms of its consequences, perhaps she’ll back off. The potential embarrassment of a restraining order might also do the trick.

You should also start rethinking your interactions with this group of friends. You can bet PsychoStalker is telling anyone who will listen about her twisted sense of reality, in which you probably star as the bad guy and she as the helpless victim. If they have at least a handful of functioning brain cells, they’ll hopefully see the situation for what it is. But no doubt some in the group will side with her; forget about them, and focus on staying in touch with your true friends (and how they react to your predicament is a strong indicator of who they are). As my own friend, psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert, says, it’s time to “find your own sanity and forget about finding hers”—before the crazy comes out in you, too.

I met a wonderful lady at a function geared toward dogs. An instant connection. We had a four-day first date. She’s a floral designer and had a big wedding in 10 days. I said I’d be happy to help, and she accepted. We all stayed at a friend’s cabin, and we worked and played together wonderfully. Needless to say, the relationship got fast-tracked, even though we didn’t want to do that.

About a month in, we were having a phone conversation one night, and an issue came up. I’m recently unemployed, looking for a job and doing side jobs for cash. She doesn’t like that; it reminds her of an ex. She asked, “Why do I keep attracting that type of man?” Confused, and being a guy, I took offense and jumped into explaining what I was doing. In retrospect, I should have listened a little better and asked questions to understand what she was truly saying. She also stated she still wanted to see me. We ended our conversation with her saying, “I’ll call you tomorrow.” Well, no call. So I called her the next day and left a message. No return call. Two weeks went by. What the heck happened? She had her first marathon coming up, so I e-mailed to wish her good luck. She e-mailed back with much thanks and appreciation and closed with “hope all is well.” I think she is awesome, and we got along so wonderfully. Is the door closed? Maybe she got scared and needs to rethink. What can I do? I would really like to see her again.—Do Runners Always Run?

You have my sympathy and my apologies for the glut of flower- and running-related analogies I’m about to unleash. Runners don’t always run, but this one is for now—and please don’t chase her. “Hope all is well” is her way of saying for “please leave me alone, because your job-cobbling is too big a hurdle for me.” Take heart, though. She may have competed in the marathon, but you’ve learned a powerful lesson about going the distance in races and relationships: Starting out too fast ups your chances for an early exit. Next time—and at least you already recognize this—try to let things blossom at a more natural pace. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.